Saturday, June 11, 2011

You may call me a Dreamer ...

... but you'd be the only one.  Yes I know, that's not how the song goes.  Call it artistic license.  If it's to be the title of my post some changes had to be made for the sake of accuracy.  Technically he's not talking about sleeping dreams either, but that is my subject. 

You see,  way back in the day when I was young and didn't know any better, somehow I found a way to turn them off.  Don't get me wrong, I have no doubt that I do, in fact, still dream.  I just don't remember them.  Sometimes I wake up with the residual feelings that go part and parcel with them and know I WAS dreaming, but try as I might I can't seem to remember a thing.  Every once in a while I get a flash, just for a second ... but then it's gone.

You might wonder why a person would want to turn off their dreams.  Ah well, that's where it gets complicated  ... and weird.

This post probably should have been part of my Weird Wednesday series, but in my world weirdness refuses to confine itself to just one day.  For those of you that are new here, let me reiterate my skepticism policy.  I understand that my tales may strain your concept of reality ... and I don't mind in the least if you say so.  I'm a bit of a skeptic myself.  I've lived through these things so I can't deny them, but if I hadn't experienced them myself I would have to wonder if storyteller hadn't been tripping with Lewis Carrol and some chick named Alice.

As far back as I can remember I dreamed, all night, every night.  Good dreams, bad dreams, wild and crazy dreams, prophetic dreams, and recurring dreams ... it was like going to the movies in my sleep.  By the time I hit my teens I had learned that if I would take a few minutes before falling asleep and concentrate on some good thing, something I would like to happen, I could control what I would dream about.  I could always have GOOD dreams (and no nightmares!) ... at least the ones I would remember.  There were always more that I didn't remember. I knew this because when they started happening I WOULD remember. 

Yeah, I kind of slipped that 'prophetic dreams' in up there hoping you wouldn't notice.  Old habits die hard ;)  Okay ... (big breath) ... I used to 'know' things.  Oh, not the big things, those stayed buried deeply in my subconscious.  I would get a 'feeling' something was not right when major things were about to happen in my life, but was clueless as to WHY I was feeling so flustered until whatever it was happened. 

I might just dismiss that as childish fantasy now, if it weren't for all the little things ... inconsequential little everyday things.  Like being with a group of friends talking about school, clothes, boys, whatever.  Then the sense of deja vu would hit.  Suddenly I'd know what the next person was going to say, and what another would answer, and who else was going to come into the room.  It was like walking into the middle of a movie and knowing you'd seen this scene before ... then I would remember dreaming it.  Things always happened too, just like I remembered them. 

In and of itself, it didn't spook me really.  I don't remember a time when it didn't happen, it just always had been there.  It was just little bits of information, nothing important.  I didn't realize then that it didn't happen to everybody.  I soon learned, from the reactions I got if I said anything, that people get really freaked out when you know things you're not supposed to know ... even if those things are not very important.  They back off, they look at you funny.

It's all well and good to be 'different' when you choose to do so.  I had always been quirky and reveled in my uniqueness, but this was something else again.  I was 13 years old.  I didn't WANT to be freak!  Also being a teenager, I didn't always remember to concentrate just before I dropped off.  When I didn't, I paid for it. 

There was a particular nightmare that recurred again and again.  I called it the Red Dream.  It doesn't sound like all that when I try to explain it but the feeling it left me with was sheer terror!  Maybe part of that was because it didn't FEEL like a dream. 

The dream would start with me waking up in the middle of the night.  I'd be in my room, with all my things but it wasn't right.  Everything would be glowing with a red cast.  And it breathed.  Yes, the room, the things ... they all breathed.  Inhale, exhale ... larger ... smaller ... thump thump ... thump thump ... I'd get up and the rhythm would get louder, into the living room and still everything glowing, breathing, growing, beating until I couldn't stand it anymore and the FEAR would wake me up.  I can't tell you WHAT was so frightening, but I've never been more scared.  
Somewhere between my fear of being thought of as a freak and the terror that was the Red Dream I found the switch and turned them off.  I'm older now, and wiser, and I wish I could get them back.  I want to be entertained by my own imagination and not have to pay 10 bucks a shot.  I now know how useful little bits of information can be.  I could write stories,  and see how the movies would play out, maybe hear about a job about to  hire here ... or horse that's hot there, and I'm betting that knowing some of these politician's secrets could be um ... quite lucrative if you could get past the brain damage they would cause.

And as it turns out my life is the stuff nightmares are made of, I AM weird, and the crazy shows anyways (who knew?) so it may as well have a reason.  Now if one of you would please be so kind as to point me in the direction of that switch?


  1. This sounds extremely interesting and like a real challenge to try to figure out how to help you remember your dreams again.

    I find that I often don't remember my dreams anymore neither. I don't have dreams like you have, but what I'm sure my problem might be is my near death experience 5 1\2 years ago. I was in palliative care, heavily medicated and nothing seemed real. I saw things which weren't there and some pretty freaky things. There was a lengthy period where I was scared to go to sleep, scared I wouldn't wake up ever again, so here I was sick and dying and not sleeping. It's quite the story, one which I fully intend to write a book about one day. But... ya I digress, back to what you're talking about.

    Have you ever tried hypnosis? I'm curious if it works or not, I've never tried it but I've talked to people who have, it works for some and others it doesn't do a thing. I think with something like hypnosis you have to believe it works for it to work.

    Our minds are so powerful, they'll block things we're not even aware of in our unconscious minds. Do you think that it's possible your mind is protecting you from something? I don't think you're weird at all, I've had dejavu (sp?) before and it's quite the experience. I can't say that I've ever experienced dreams which come true, just some of my conscious dreams which I make come true. Mind over matter.

    Keep us posted if you figure anything out k? I'm interested in seeing if you find a way to have your dreams return.

  2. And after all that I forgot to tell you that I LOVE your photo, it's an amazing close up!

  3. hmmmm...first of all...beautiful picture, as always!

    i have strange dreams...some scary...some 'prophetic'...weird...crazy...lots of deja vu...past life?? stuff...and i'm always talking in my sleep...waking myself & sam up. i tell him about my dream and then fall back to sleep. sometimes i remember, sometimes i don't.
    we're all a little weird, aren't our own way...

    i guess it must be your subconscious keeping you from darlin said...maybe in 'protect' mode. if you WANT to will...

  4. darlin - when you get around to writing that book, I'd like to read it. Having been the caretaker for a couple of friends with late stage cancer I know the kinds of things you're talking about. Both saw things while heavily medicated that the scientific would call hallucinations. I'm not sure they weren't seeing something that we just can't see with a clear head >shrugs<

    I've wanted to try hypnosis for a long time. Not only for this, but I've been fascinated by past life regressions for years. I'd love to experiment but I've just never been in a financial position to do so. I don't know if I'd make a good subject or not.

    Laura - I WANT to but I don't know that the 'want' has the amount of energy that the fear had when I turned them off :)

  5. If you ever get the opportunity to do something like hypnosis keep us posted k? I'm fascinated with it and who knows, one day I just might try it for some things I'm just not quite certain about... or maybe not, if I'm not supposed to remember them maybe they're best left sleeping. What is mean to be will be.

    Take care and have a fantastic week!

  6. I have weird and eff'd up dreams but I would hate not to remember them.

    After so many years of night terrors I started to learn how to wake myself up. Something not right would trigger my brain and I would say, "Oohhhh I'm dreaming! Wake up Jillian!!"

    My dreams were fantastic when I was taking Champix to quit smoking. It was pretty far out!